The Death of Honesty — Do You Have Any Feedback for Me?
- Courtney Branson
- Oct 8
- 8 min read
Dear Readers,
If there’s one thing The Good Place taught me, it’s that improvement happens through community, not isolation.
We owe it to each other to give and receive feedback.
It’s a cooperative act predicated on our willingness to make adjustments for each other in the hopes of impactful outcomes and harmonious interactions.
Yet, I’ve only worked in one environment that was good-ish at this process.
The biggest gap was real conversation — getting two people willing to get into the awkward muck of navigating feedback.
We live in polite cultures at work. Most of your colleagues likely take great pains not to offend or step on toes. I have weekly calls with managers agonizing over how to deliver hard feedback with a lilt. They crave an easier way.
So it’s only a matter of time until feedback boils down to having your bot talk to my bot in attempts to placate while squashing ego and emotion. It might even be a good thing, but it certainly won’t be a human one.
And we need that human input. Growth isn’t a final state; it’s a lifelong process of choices, stumbles, and learning from each other.
Unfortunately, most of us gather feedback the same way.
We sit across from our manager, colleague, or friend and say with no additional context…Do you have any feedback for me?.
Often, folks don’t take the opening because they’re disarmed, unprepared, or questioning the sincerity. Feedback can feel like a charade, just a game we’re playing with each other.
You might get a quick “no” or their watered-down perspective. Worst case, you open a can of worms or unleash deep-seated feelings that no one’s prepared to address.
But there’s a better way for eliciting earnest feedback.
Let’s start by breaking down why Do you have any feedback for me? doesn’t work. It lacks specificity and boundaries. When you don’t clarify what you’re seeking feedback on or who can best give it, you’re inviting open-ended feedback that you may not be interested in or prepared to act upon. And that can be jarring.
To glean the best feedback, consider what, why, who, when, and how.
The What — What do you want feedback on?
Identify and narrow the scope of areas you’re seeking input.
The scope could be as minor as an email communication or as major as a project launch. It could also be as impersonal as a technical question or as personal as executive presence.
Part and parcel of this reflection is understanding your ulterior motives. To get to the heart of this, interrogate your why. 👇
The Why — Why do you want the feedback?
There are a myriad of reasons to want feedback, and there are often multiple interests at play. Here are some examples:
I want technical feedback: There is inevitably someone willing to lend their prowess and expertise. Technical feedback may be part of the process, like code reviews, or it may be something you request. The beauty of this feedback is that it feels growth-oriented and aligned. Everyone wants the same thing — the best final product.
I want user feedback: Work is created for others, so those users, internal or external, will have feedback on their experiences. User feedback isn’t objective or inherently right, but understanding the collective landscape is critical for building the right things.
I want input on a decision: Sometimes, you need input on a decision from stakeholders. Or maybe you need to better clarify expectations, budget, or timeline before making your own decision.
I want to know if I met/exceeded expectations: For concrete tasks like emails, presentations, or projects, you may want to know if the draft or end result aligns with expectations. Most importantly, you’re curious if your efforts inched you closer to a positive outcome, like a promotion.
I want to know if I’m liked: While I wouldn’t expect anyone to phrase it this way, all too often, what people most crave is to know whether they are liked, respected, and/or admired by their colleagues. This opens the door for subjective and personality-based feedback. But its essence addresses the question: Have I been playing by the unspoken rules that govern my success within a company?
My hunch is that more often than not, most people want to know if they’re liked and safe in their environment. It’s human nature. Even the first four reasons are in service of the fifth.
Being liked and safe in an environment may or may not serve your overarching career in the same way as the others will. So be honest with yourself, and take the time to get to know your why(s). The rest will follow.
The Who — Who can best opine on your what?
Knowing the scope and reason for your feedback dovetails into who can best sound off. I’m a big believer that when it comes to your overarching career and values, only trusted advisors (and you!) should weigh in.
It matters what voices you listen to; otherwise, you may find that you molded yourself to feedback that wasn’t authentic or effective.
The default may be your manager or work bestie, two people you likely crave input from. However, they may not always be the best folks to elucidate on your performance or impact. It may create an expectation chamber, where you just confirm something you’re already feeling. Too much positivity (or negativity) about one’s work can be destructive.
Your “who” should also be qualified to weigh in.
I spent over a decade reporting to founders. My founders were often stakeholders, sounding boards, and mirrors. They gave insight into their ethos, problems, constraints, as well as my impact. All of those inputs were valuable, especially alongside employee feedback.
But when I needed expertise, I sought it from my network. Inviting a founder’s perspective on my speciality wasn’t a good use of anyone’s time. In the same vein, I also didn’t leverage them for insight into how I show up.
A perennial example was managing without authority. They were in positions of power, so it was rare for them to make an unanswered demand. Because of this, they couldn’t fathom why I couldn’t conjure the same authority. Their feedback on my presence wasn't helpful because of our differences in status, privilege, and values.
While I didn't have their power, I had charm, kindness, and helpfulness. Leaning into my likability gave me power. I would have never tapped into that if I had only relied on people with hierarchical power to advise me.
Choose wisely when deciding what voices to include, because feedback will shape you. The minute you hear the feedback, you’ll be impacted by it. Let that impact be a catalyst for authentic growth, not for breaking you down.
Now, with the what, why, and who in mind, you’re ready to ask and follow up on your request. So, let’s talk about the how.
The How — How, when, and where do you want to receive the feedback?
Before you ask for feedback, I’m going to challenge you to do something first. Take a mental audit.
What are you feeling? Where do you feel it? Why might you feel it?
Do you have any fears or anxieties about asking for this feedback?
What are you hoping to hear? What are you dreading?
Are you ready to listen to feedback without insecurity or judgment?
The last one is crucial. How you react to feedback matters, and it deeply influences whether you’ll get it again. You don’t have to act upon every ounce of feedback you get, but you do have to be ready to listen, understand, and reflect on it.
When you’re ready, reach out to request feedback and a conversation.
Here’s an example of how I may approach this.
Subject: Request for Feedback on New Handbook
Hi [Name],
Thank you for all the detailed input throughout the handbook revamp. Now that it’s launched, I’m gathering feedback on how I performed as the project leader.
I truly value your perspective, so please give your honest thoughts. To help in your evaluation, here are the original goals of the project:
Incorporate feedback from leadership, the team, and candidates.
Ensure the updated policies are sustainable, clear, and compassionate.
Create and execute a communication rollout to managers and the team.
Collaborate with Creative to align on the brand voice, palette, and standards.
I’d love to understand if you feel these goals were met, as well as your take on the overall experience, and if there were any unexpected outcomes (good or bad).
Your feedback will set my team up for success in future projects and support my personal growth.
I sent a 15-minute calendar invite for next week to collect your feedback. Please let me know if you need more time or to reschedule.
Now it’s time to look in the mirror.
Once you send out those requests, adopt an open mind. Receiving feedback can be difficult, so approach the next stage with abundance.
When discussing the feedback, ask questions to understand and sink into the awkwardness. Don’t combat, placate, or agree to anything on the spot. Just say thank you.
Take time to mull over the feedback.
Not all feedback is helpful, but in the same vein, not all feedback lands the first time we hear it. Sit with it, try it on, talk it out. Decide what resonates, what merits further reflection, and what you’d like to recycle.
Reflect. Reflect. Reflect. Reflect. Reflect. Reflect. Reflect. Reflect. Reflect.
Once you have a handle on what’s next, follow up to share actions you’re taking (or not taking) and ask any remaining questions. And for the love of everything, reiterate your appreciation. It’s not easy to give feedback, so reward the effort even if you disagree with the sentiments.
If you push away feedback, you’ll get less, and not getting feedback at work can be a kiss of death. It hinders your growth and others’ perception of your adaptability.
Okay, let’s practice. Go on a walk or find a quiet, calm space to reflect.
What do you want feedback on?
Why do you want the feedback?
Who can best give you this feedback?
When and how do you want to ask them?
Before I release you from this article, I have a final note: not everyone is ready to grow.
What does it take to grow?
Ultimately, growth comes from learning from all types of feedback, but the most critical part in feedback is you. Feedback gives you uncomfortable truths just as often as it gives you inauthentic tidbits, so you have to be willing to keep coming back and evaluating.
Not everyone is serious about growth. By this, I mean that not everyone is willing to do the deep internal work for improvement. That means examining your past contributions with all the emotions — pride, joy, shame, cringe — and learning from them.
Most people parse through feedback looking for either tactical instruction or short-term gains in compensation or status. These things are not inherently unworthy, but as the sole sources of feedback, they don’t contribute to the holistic evolution of a person.
With feedback, you’re juggling your ingenuity and authenticity alongside the collective need for cooperation.
Feedback requires continuous reflection.
Who do you want to become? What reputation do you want to have?
What values do you (or will you) uphold even when they don’t serve your immediate interests?
Whose voices will you choose to listen to — and why?
Are there any voices you listened to in the past for survival that you’d like to let go of?
We have so much to learn from each other, and I truly believe the feedback is what we owe to each other. To do it well takes intentionality. More importantly, it takes ongoing examination of who you’re becoming and how you’re progressing.
xoxo,
Courtney
Courtney Branson is the cofounder of EverMore, the workplace reflection engine. She's a former Chief People Officer and will forever be designing kind and innovative cultures. You can find her on LinkedIn, Instagram, and as the cohost of the Dear Evermore podcast.
