Dear EverMore: What’s Wrong with Feedback at Work
Dear Readers & Listeners,
If there’s one thing I could wax on about forever it’s feedback. In college, I studied Immanuel Kant for my philosophy minor, including his perspective on honesty.
I internalized that if I have information someone needs to make the best decisions for themselves, I owe it to them to be honest.
This stuck with me as a moral case for giving feedback. I also wanted to receive feedback rather than wonder, not know, or hear it from someone else.
So, when I entered the workplace, it felt absurd how often feedback was hidden, withheld, or discussed with anyone other than the person it pertained to.
It allowed leaders to avoid hard conversations. This carelessness evolved into cruelty each time unspoken feedback become the catalyst for a termination.
And when leaders did give feedback, it had a way of feeling like projection or advice; I learned more about the giver than I did about myself or others.
Episode 7 dives into this topic on why feedback is broken and how it can be better. And in a bonus episode, we respond to feedback related scenarios.
Feedback is rarely truth; it’s just someone else’s lens.
Feedback reveals how others are feeling, what they would do differently, or the feedback they’ve received in the past.
We’re often expected to take feedback to heart, when in reality feedback is about the giver—their fears, preferences, experiences, what they were taught, what worked for them, and so on.
It’s not that their perspective is invalid, but rather that it’s just that—their perspective.
You have to weigh someone's perspective against your self-concept, how willing you are to change (temporarily or long-term) and other feedback. Some of that is implied feedback—who's rewarded, promoted, listened to, ignored, interrupted.
Learning how to discern what belongs to you is not only difficult but it’s not taught, creating a cycle of broken feedback loops at companies.
The Most Important Feedback Is Self-Knowledge.
Feedback is dangerous before identity.
You have to know yourself before collecting or feeling beholden to opinions.
Feedback is not an external process where a right or wrong answer reveals itself. It’s an internal process where you interpret feedback in a way that’s useful to you. Outsourcing this discernment holds you back from authentic growth.
Most importantly, for feedback to take hold—you have to be willing to grapple with the good and the ugly parts of yourself. It’s up to you to change, embrace, or ignore the parts you don’t like. Living in the uncomfortable space of knowing you have room for growth is part of the process of becoming.
It's because of that process that I learned my sensitivity wasn’t a defect, but rather a direction that I wanted to embrace. After that, the criticism stopped hurting and stopped shaping me. To get there, I had to look at the ugly parts, which included the apathy that I tried to put in place of sensitivity.
We often know what went wrong.
If given the opportunity and openness to reflect, most of us can pinpoint where something went wrong or isn’t working.
It's another reason why feedback can sting; there an assumption that you're unaware. But, having that self-knowledge allows you to approach feedback intentionally—why you want it, who from, what you’re looking for, and how to ask.
Give from abundance.
Whatever feedback you give will shape someone just as the feedback you’ve received shaped you. It's more than shaping their sense of self, you're also shaping what opportunities others believe they deserve.
So, approach feedback from a place of abundance.
Lastly, it never hurts to establish relationships and know who someone is trying to be. It’s easier to accept and give feedback when there’s an assumption of good intent. And consider ditching the advice that you had to follow to survive, and instead make it better for the next generation.
xoxo,
Courtney @ EverMore
Dear EverMore is a new podcast hosted by Courtney Branson & Kelsey Peterson. It explores how work shapes our humanity, identity, and futures. Season one features diary-esque confessions, guest speakers, and career advice plucked from their collective three decades in HR, hiring, and leadership.
